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American Carlin by SaintIscariot American Carlin by SaintIscariot
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

We're so self-important. So arrogant. Everybody's going to save something now. Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. And the supreme arrogance? Save the planet! Are these people kidding? Save the planet? We don't even know how to take care of ourselves; we haven't learned how to care for one another. We're gonna save the fuckin' planet? . . . And, by the way, there's nothing wrong with the planet in the first place. The planet is fine. The people are fucked! Compared with the people, the planet is doin' great. It's been here over four billion years . . . The planet isn't goin' anywhere, folks. We are! We're goin' away. Pack your shit, we're goin' away. And we won't leave much of a trace. Thank God for that. Nothing left. Maybe a little Styrofoam. The planet will be here, and we'll be gone. Another failed mutation; another closed-end biological mistake.

The real reason that we cant have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not commit adultery, and Thou shalt not lie in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

I don't like ass kissers, flag wavers or team players. I like people who buck the system. Individualists. I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.'" Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name. If they say, "We're the So-and-Sos," take a walk. And if, somehow, you must join, if it's unavoidable, such as a union or a trade association, go ahead and join. But don't participate; it will be your death. And if they tell you you're not a team player, congratulate them on being observant.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.

I'm completely in favor of the
separation of Church and State.
... These two institutions screw us up enough
on their own, so both of them together is
certain death.

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Meow means woof in cat.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

Im a modern man, a man for the millennium. Digital and smoke free. A diversified multi-cultural, post-modern deconstruction that is anatomically and ecologically incorrect. Ive been up linked and downloaded, Ive been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. Im a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!
Im new wave, but Im old school and my inner child is outward bound. Im a hot-wired, heat seeking, warm-hearted cool customer, voice activated and bio-degradable. I interface with my database, my database is in cyberspace, so Im interactive, Im hyperactive and from time to time Im radioactive.

Behind the eight ball, ahead of the curve, ridin the wave, dodgin the bullet and pushin the envelope. Im on-point, on-task, on-message and off drugs. Ive got no need for coke and speed. I've got no urge to binge and purge. Im in-the-moment, on-the-edge, over-the-top and under-the-radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart bomb. A top-gun bottom feeder. I wear power ties, I tell power lies, I take power naps and run victory laps. Im a totally ongoing big-foot, slam-dunk, rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging workaholic. A working rageaholic. Out of rehab and in denial!

Ive got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You cant shut me up. You cant dumb me down because Im tireless and Im wireless, Im an alpha male on beta-blockers.

Im a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid-back but fashion-forward. Up-front, down-home, low-rent, high-maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high-definition, fast-acting, oven-ready and built-to-last! Im a hands-on, foot-loose, knee-jerk head case pretty maturely post-traumatic and Ive got a love-child that sends me hate mail.

But, Im feeling, Im caring, Im healing, Im sharing-- a supportive, bonding, nurturing primary care-giver. My output is down, but my income is up. I took a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash-flow. I read junk mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds and I watch trash sports! Im gender specific, capital intensive, user-friendly and lactose intolerant.

I like rough sex. I like tough love. I use the F word in my emails and the software on my hard-drive is hardcore--no soft porn.

I bought a microwave at a mini-mall; I bought a mini-van at a mega-store. I eat fast-food in the slow lane. Im toll-free, bite-sized, ready-to-wear and I come in all sizes. A fully-equipped, factory-authorized, hospital-tested, clinically-proven, scientifically- formulated medical miracle. Ive been pre-wash, pre-cooked, pre-heated, pre-screened, pre-approved, pre-packaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vacuum-packed and, I have an unlimited broadband capacity.

Im a rude dude, but Im the real deal. Lean and mean! Cocked, locked and ready-to-rock. Rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide. Ive got glide in my stride. Drivin and movin, sailin and spinin, jiving and groovin, wailin and winnin. I dont snooze, so I dont lose. I keep the pedal to the metal and the rubber on the road. I party hearty and lunch time is crunch time. Im hangin in, there aint no doubt and Im hangin tough, over and out!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day."

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.

Quote Source -> [link]

George Carlin - You Have No Rights -> [link]
Add a Comment:
Cosmic--Chaos Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Fuck George Carlin. He was a misanthropic old shit who spat on society and the world for his own amusement.
WingDiamond Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
regenerstej1995 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Ironically, it's people like you who made his career possible.

He presented commonly overlooked topics that he felt needed to be addressed so as to provide both entertainment and the philosophical ideals that generally opened the eyes of those willing to listen regarding their limitation as both salient beings and animals. In essence, he primarily promoted the idea that people should learn to question virtually everything, defy whatever limits you possibly could, and not take life so seriously, as opposed to just "sitting and rolling over" on the command of the corrupt authority figures of both the nation and the world.

And besides, he was just a COMEDIAN! His job was to "think up goofy s***", get it?

Oh and by the way, in his final performance, he did say he liked people.
DeathlessLegends13 Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2012  Student Writer

Guy was brilliant, witty language and all
JamestheRedEngine91 Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2011  Student General Artist
DragonFang01 Featured By Owner Oct 10, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
*applause* Very good
DroUltrinnin-61 Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2011
As Carlin, you really do not have much to look forward to?
BorisFedorov Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
True, true
angelobelmont Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2011
lol George Carlin lol:lol:
SezerGul Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
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